The 9 Stages of a Rejection Spiral
Rejection is a tough pill to swallow for anyone, but for those experiencing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), it can spiral into an overwhelming ordeal. Understanding these spirals is crucial, not just for those who live with RSD but for anyone close to them. Here’s a breakdown of the nine stages of a rejection spiral, laid out in a way that hopefully makes this rollercoaster a bit easier to grasp.
1. Bid
The stage is set when someone with RSD makes what we'll call a "bid" — a reach for connection or approval from someone else. This could be as simple as sending a text, asking a question in a meeting, or inviting a friend out for coffee.
2. Rejection
This is where things get tricky. The person perceives that their bid for acceptance has been rejected. Note the emphasis on "perceives"; the reality might be quite different, but perception is the king in the land of RSD.
3. Internalization
The rejection isn't just seen as a one-off incident; it's taken as a profound judgment of their worth. It feels like a confirmation of their deepest fears: that they are fundamentally unlovable or inadequate.
4. Defensiveness
Next comes the defensiveness. The individual might start justifying their initial bid, stewing over how reasonable their request was and how unfair the rejection is. This often involves a mix of resentment, anger, and blame towards the perceived rejector.
5. Hyperfocus
The mind locks onto the incident with laser focus. This isn't just mulling over; it's an intense, detailed, and often relentless review of every angle of the rejection.
6. Rumination
As they remain hyperfocused, the person spirals deeper, analyzing every flaw in those involved (including themselves) and how they might express their burgeoning feelings of anger and frustration.
7. Dissociation
This stage marks a sort of mental departure from the present moment. The individual may become so wrapped up in the incident that they start living more in the scenario playing out in their head than in real life.
8. Isolation
The pain and embarrassment from the perceived rejection become too much, prompting a retreat from social connections. This isolation can serve as a painful amplifier of the feelings of rejection, deepening the spiral.
9. Resolution/Retaliation
Eventually, the emotional tumult has to find an outlet. Some may find resolution through self-soothing activities or by reconnecting with the person they felt rejected by, which can lead to healing. Others might retaliate, either through self-destructive behaviors or by lashing out, aiming to balance the emotional scales.
Reboot or Resolve?
The end of one spiral doesn't necessarily mean peace; it can often be the start of another bid, depending on how the resolution or retaliation pans out. Understanding these stages can provide a roadmap for better managing the intense emotions associated with RSD and, ideally, short-circuiting the spiral before it gains momentum.
Navigating life with RSD is like walking a tightrope over a stormy sea. But with awareness and support, it's possible to make that walk a little steadier. Remember, the goal isn't to never fall, but to learn how to catch yourself and climb back up faster each time.
